All About Me
Hello, I'm 'Ran' and I do things. Welcome to the chaos.
"Be with me always––take any form––drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you."
- Wuthering Heights
the favourites that refuse to fade
"We are what we make of ourselves."
- Heads or Tails
I've loved books from a young age, even before I knew how to read them. I remember constantly asking my parents when I would finally be able to read and being told, 'when you're five.' I realised much later that they obviously didn't mean literary when I turn five. But my little 3-4 year old brain got incredibly excited, and at my 5th birthday party I picked out a book with no pictures what-so-ever, as my prize. I don't remember what the game had been, what restaurant we were at, or even the name of the book. I do remember my parents repeatedly asking me if I was sure, the person handing out prizes was dressed like a mouse, and the book was yellow with rough looking rats on its cover. I ignored my parent's concern and insisted I wanted the book. The next day I woke up, officially a 5 year old. I put on my favourite dress and ran downstairs, ignoring my presents on the living room floor and going straight for my new book. I opened it. Then I cried for about an hour.
"Did couplets dance internally/ when the self-loathing came?
- 'Did He Also Write Poetry', Age 28
I was always creative. I liked to draw and paint, always trying to capture the subject perfectly. When I did finally learn to read, the escape and knowledge books provided me quickly evolved into writing. My short stories ran on for several pages, unfinished. I wrote down my real thoughts, described how I viewed my family, used a video camera to perform my own scripts or just monologue. I would write fake diaries, that presented me as a princess, or someone who discovered they really could use the Force and everything we'd been taught was a lie. I wrote with fear, in the hopes that someone might find it long after I'm gone and believe it.
I was a strange kid.
Somewhere along the way my dark, funny, truthful stories––probably exacerbated by conversations with my father about the illusion of reality––turned into poetry.
I studied English and Classical Studies at university and always dreaded the poetry modules. There's probably something in that, a connection somewhere to the fact my brain automatically turns to couplets during my darker days.
"But I know the truth/I will never believe""
- Positive Affirmations, aged 24
And the creativity continued to expand! I discovered the glorious burn of exercise when I was 12 and not only did it work to get me out of my head but when I made it my job at 25, starting my own business––SAtraining––at 29, it opened a whole new world of creativity. I was literally sculpting people. The fact I always got to watch people's expressions when they realised they were stronger then they thought was a bonus. Inevitably the business ended though...
I kept giving away too many free sessions. It also became quite difficult to maintain motivation when I realised that a lot of my love for exercise stemmed from the constant parental pressures of maintaining the 'perfect physique' but never quite matching up. Always unsure whether I turned to exercise because I truly love it or because I was chasing an impossible ideal.
"You were right, I've read far too much to actually understand anything. Forever adrift...because nothing is real anymore."
- 'Heads or Tails'
When I write, I write mainly for myself. I don't have any big author dreams about world fame or film/tv deals. Each character or poem is a piece of me exploring itself and ultimately the decision to publish my first novel at all stemmed from the need to actually finish something for once in my life.
More than anything I just wanted to prove to myself that I could. If people hate my work, fine. The only dream I have, that I've ever really pursued, is capturing--even brielfy--that elusive feeling of fulfilment. And if just one person sees themselves in my work, or loves my writing enough to debate it with critics the way I defend Heathcliff, then I will have it.
In the future? I would like to keep writing, if for no other reason than to shut up the voices in my head. It's also pretty good therapy, and I still have plenty of my own 'traumas' left to explore. The hard part if finding an actual plot to fit them into because honestly I lost that a long time ago...if I ever had it at all.